His Beauty for My Ashes

I don't know why I didn't understand this earlier, but better late than never. My husband and I have been married for 2 almost 3 years. He is an amazing husband, great father, and my very best friend, but he is in no way perfect. Amiss all the things he does to protect, love, and lead our family I would find myself angry with him for the littlest of instances. I was holding him to a standard that he would never meet; I was trying to live my "happily ever after" through our marriage. I was going through my Christian life without any joy.

Growing up my family life was far from perfect. Years of unrest, insecurity, and my parents separating gave me the inkling that this was not what life was about. I was damaged, we as a family were damaged. Through God's grace and infinite mercy He reconciled my parents and I have seen an amazing depiction of how God can truly work in willing hearts and minds. Even so for years I allowed the previous situations and instances to shape what I thought I could correct. Don't get me wrong I have a great relationship with my parents now and I truly have laid to rest all the resentment and anger I had for them personally; but I still was holding on to the idea that I still needed to be fixed, that my life was broken. 

While in a service I heard an evangelist speaking about how we as Christians so often look back and in turn are robbing ourselves of the great and full life our God wants for us. Then it clicked. My resentment toward my husband, my disgruntled attitude toward my Christian walk, and my unrestful spirit stemmed from my inability to forget those things which I and God had forgiven years ago. That's when I realized I wanted to trade God. In Isaiah 61:3 it says, "To appoint unto them that mourn in Zion, to give unto them beauty for ashes, the oil of joy for mourning, the garment of praise for the spirit of heaviness that they might be called trees of righteousness, the planting of the Lord, that He might be glorified." I wanted that, I wanted God's beauty in my life for the ashes that I was holding onto. Crying out to God I settled that and now I can be as the verse said a tree of righteousness that the Lord planted.

It's so easy sometimes to hold on to that bitterness. Forgiveness is best done when you put it behind you so you no longer can see it. Learning to rely on God for your completeness and joy is an everyday thing. It's a choice. One I am more than happy to make each morning. Now when I look in the mirror in the morning I see God's beauty and not my ashes and let me tell you it's a much better view.